In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
no, he came in my armpit
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He? As in you personified your dick?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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