Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i think my tv is drunk
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
