Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
