I feel great
I just peed on a car
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize