How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize