Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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