we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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