If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
