i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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