He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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