oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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