how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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