I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
