paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
True college students do jello shots in the library
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