She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
