So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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