Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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