So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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