I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
