Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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