I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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