Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
