i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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