i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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