I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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