I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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