Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
