How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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