Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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