I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
