Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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