Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
