wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
