In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
