There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
