when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
