It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
