hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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