I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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