What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
