i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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