Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
