we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
