I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
