too bad you live with your parents still
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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