I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
