Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
