I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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