There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
pray to the hookup gods
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
