I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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