i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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