i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
