i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
