On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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