I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
