I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
