If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
