there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize