She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
