god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Say something about gay babies.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
