And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize