Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
