hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Randomize
