woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
