I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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